good morning

Well today I feel like I have come out of the mire a bit. Feel more like my old self, the sun is shining and things are looking better.
Thank you for putting up with my melancholy of the last few blogs.

Well another chemo session due later today and a visit to the consultant.... I will update what next later.
Brain is feeling more in gear nearly finished reports so can get some money in and get on with what to do next.

Hair is coming out look like the dog with the mange if that the right word but not tooooooooooo bad look on the bright side.

Well will touch base with you all again later please keep in touch I know its hard what to say It just makes me feel as if people are out there and my be reading what I hope I am not depressing you all so much . Love to you all out their.

Hugs xxx

It goes on

Hello everyone I am back, thank you to friends and relatives for their continued support, I finding it all difficult. Well chemo this week , felt like crap since, spent most of the time asleep.
I just want to function partially normally so I can do things , the simplest things are so difficult. I have had a bit of a week where everything seems so be about my illness and I know I am really ill but I wish I was not.
I want my business to be successful and that everything in my girls life is easier and I am sure they will be successful in what ever they choose.

Well back at the hospital this morning, for blood tests as got a swelling in the vein around my wrist. It is so painful, can hardly move my arm. So went met the on call registrar, he came and looked at my arm , then blood pressure which was low,temp was fine. Arrived at the hospital at blood tests, OK arm will stay put just seepage from the chemo oh what fun.

Well family are saying that my blog is getting a bit depressing sorry for this. Well thought I would have a nice glass of wine , one sip and its just disgusting.

Food is not tasty either, but sometimes can eat when it tastes right. Played monopoly with the youngest and Jerry today , he still says I am competitive not as competitive as It was the other week playing with a couple of teenagers.
Tomorrow my plan is to complete all my reports anyone that would like to help please feel free. Then I am going to set timetable of events for the next couple of weeks and visits to schools and curious minds contracts and new CRB form.

The only problem when I have eaten sometimes it just doesnot want to stay there but managing so far.

Love to you all call mespeak to me keep me distracted. Never sure how I feel Jerry says I need a chart like children have with happy and sad faces and numbers. I am sure if I say so so, not sure I will be fine he is going to make one.

Thank you for your continued support and feedback is good love xxx

Continue

Well sorry folks but I have tried to write everyday and I know that would be easier but been busy and hectic.
Well I am going to try and write everyday. I had a fab weekend with family ,fun and activities and a little bit of normality for a couple of days and people telling me to stop and rest instead of asking me if am I alright to which I reply (I am fine).
I started getting on with my reports but time is flying away and things are taking to long.. I feel so crap. my world my life is falling apart. Since Monday this week I just keep crying hysterically which is hard..
Well some good news eldest of to Uni ... To Coventry not all my hopes but she is happy and I know she will do well ..... I want her to have a great life and the ability to cope.
The youngest keeps me smiling.
I just worry about finances and how I am going to cope and manage.
We are trying to get to get services in to help.
Well this week another 16 hour chemo session which as usual does not go as easy as expected. Well get to the hospital lucky this time straight to the ward so as I thought I would be able to settle down into a routine and get on with some work well not so. Nurse came in and went through usual checks then to get the cannula in well first try in one arm , 2nd try other arm oh what fun... she is only has 2 tries and has to get another nurse so another wait.....so her we go a wait and then another nurse.. try one 2nd try of we go but could not get the blood trough the cannula... so in to the vein in the other arm to take blood................next wait for blood results.

Then bloods back looking good of we go ...heat pad for the first chemo and then.....on to the next ones over night.
I have to measure my out put so they make sure my Kidneys work they are so do not worry very well so not much sleep.
I am going to stop this for tonight before I depress you all to much... I am going to get some sleep and more tomorrow hopefully more up beat love to all my followers love you all xxx

the fight goes on

Hi everyone, been a few days since I last wrote, just been busy and very tired...doing to much which is no help.. but life goes on.
The inevitable started today my hair was coming out ( not going to loose it all just thin ) my head hurts so much. My rest week this week no chemo.. this is to allow your body to do some recovery.. next week another 16 hour session..
This week has been a good week and the end of last week, but remember not to over do it , feel great then feel like I am going to collapse and need to go to sleep.
Sydney has gone to London with Mum and Dad, even though Mum was worried about leaving me on my own.
Monday this week relatives came to see me so Tuesday after dropping them for the train to London spent the rest of the day in bed.
Food this week tastes a bit better, wine is flowing a bit more but still only a couple of glasses. I just wish I could have a night where I get into bed and sleep till morning instead of having to get up sooooooooooooooo many times for the bathroom.

Spoke to the urology Macmillan nurse the other day they are going to organise the stoma and the neo blad nurse to see me so I can make a decisions on which one oh what fun.

When I was first diagnosed I used to wake up in the morning thinking that someone was going to tell me it was all a joke... well its not and I have to live with it.

Just to keep you up dated had a complete hysterical break down last Wednesday could not stop crying all over trying to sort things out with the back what crap that is.. so not as all together as you all think.. but in true fashion I am doing fine.
Prognosis - good to fairly good I am not planning on going any where yet so anyone who thought it would be easy to get rid of me you must be joking.
The funny think people keep saying how well I look not sure how I should look but .. no extra heads have grown and its not contagious.
The other thing people that have known me a while still not sure what to say to me. Please join the blog and make it interactive.

Another day

Well back to the business.... Little story from yesterday... of on the emergency mission to pick Danielle up from work because it was a monsoon as she said it was at work and she had gone to work in her flip flops.Driving along to the the lights at kings way Sydney perks up in the back "if you pass way before Pud (the cat) who will have her me or Dani ...I replied not sure to which she continued to say may be she could go to the NHS( she meant some animal society) I laughed ... she said I ask good questions.

Day of first chemo... Jerry and I arrived at the hospital at 10am as I was due to go on the ward as it was an overnight session well guess what no beds so over to the day unit. to a small private room with a big blue arm chair.. and the chemo nurse arrived and said hello I am Daisy we went through the procedures blood test and then the oncologist came to seem me to sign the consent form...by this time it was 11:30 , bloods ok ....now  Daisy came back and said some good news and some bad..... someone had put my chemo in the fridge so it would have to be remade so she was going to rush it through but would not start before 3:30pm a long restless wait was under way started with the first bag at 4pm..

The first bag after the saline is 30 min - they gave anti sickness and steroids ... the first chemo Gemcitabine ( this is an antimetabolite ) this hurts as it goes through the veins. So hot press on arm helped
that one finished and the saline to wash through now gone 4:30pm next drug Cisplatin is an anti-cancer ("antineoplastic" or "cytotoxic") chemotherapy drug. Cisplatin is classified as an "alkylating agent."

This is a long hall the a walk around the corner to the ward......this was going to be a disturbing night as it was 4 bags 4hrs each ... more of this adventure to come

Thanks for all the support and keep reading and writing back  ....love Natalie

Well have things to do and reports to write for curios mind sorry will get them done now I am getting things off my head.

Well off for some sleep been a tiring day love to my followers and fans xxx

next episode

Well Thank you to all the people out there that are supporting me. Please ask away anything you want to know or do not understand.
Well bit of a bad nights sleep restless never seen so much crap tell sorry for my language. Some thing I have been enjoying in the early hours of the mornings is the Adult season on BBC 3 ITS BEEN BRILLIANT.
Any way sorry to be self composing but back to me. Deep sleep 8 am neighbours alarm hipitched , this is not helping as the chemo seems to make me hiper sensitive to certain noises. any way as I was say alarm all morning so no rest asuual for the wicked.

Well I thought I would add to this blog the humour that surrounds me in all this and me being me (alright all the time to everyone)

First day back from the hospital parents and children at home to have dinner, no dinner for me the veggie but everyone else was being fed, sorted my self so no need to worry I did eat.
The 7 year old sat at the table after her Dad had done his  car  roof explination of the situation(He sits her on the car roof and tells her in as simple for for her to understand) So sat at the table eating she pipes up "Daddy are you going to marry Mummy now"  to that her Dad (Jerry ) says " no she is not sick enough yet  " you all my think it is cruel but we found it funny... the conversation went on I would like to be a brides made and where a purple dress...... welll I said you can be a bridesmaid for your big sister when she gets married the reply to that was but I wont be cute then..

Sorry I am going to interupt this as I do a dash of mercy to pick the eldest up from work because of the rain... I keep thinking I thought I was sick or may be no hey will carry on with the ups and downs of a demented Cancer Mum

The Story So far

Well this is about my fight with bladder cancer.For weeks even though I have known what I am going to deal with I have said " I am going to be alright" not sure who I was trying to convince. I thought I would start to write a blog to help. I have been writing it in my head for weeks.Not known where to start.
I wish my first clash with blogging was a better occasion. More like the Julia Julia adventure would have been better, but its not.
Well here we go.
I have been diagnosed with stage 3 aggressive bladder cancer, a tumour the size of a tennis ball in a bladder the size of a rugby ball has been found.
I knew it was cancer from the first time that I went for the first scan it was more about what was said and what wasn't.(The nurse said something about not buying a fur coat) funny saying and things you remember.
If I can also as I go through this educate people about bladder cancer and that even if you have a UTI do not leave it get it sorted.
Well the drip feeding began.
Went for Cystoscopy, told it looked like snow storm unable to see much apart from the large Tumour, this was a Friday - Tuesday the week after I was taken in for the TURBT (removal of the tumour) . At this point they wanted to check the extent of it.
Then back for another appointment with the consultant who went through everything the cancer level, and the fact that a full bladder removal was necessary and referal to another specialist.
The specialist went through all the details- options and said they would continue to drip feed the information as time goes on. Also that not just a pelvic sweep was necessay but also that chemo was required first.
This is just a synopsis of the facts nothing else, just to try and help you with trying to understand the whirlwind my life has been.

Amist all this a friend of mine if she allows me to use her name you will meet the character later on with many others that are touching my life .
They were going away and had if I wanted to go for a couple of days I could. What a fantastic idea , Thank you so much to her, to the adventure and to the fun time.
We talked we walked, we also went ridding ( The funniest thing I had never really been on a horse) my horse had a mind of its own, and when my friends went to eat so did mine, these horses had only one pace, but oh what fun.
OK well back home treading water while I waited for the oncologist.
Saw him and then on to the chemo........ AND pre tests........ Day 1 Chemo 16 hours -oh what fun.....not really more anitodtes to come of this adventure.

Well I think this is enough for now I hope I have not depressed anybody too much. I am fighting and positive
So please read and comment and help this is new to me and writing never my best thing but ... I am sure I will improve

Thanks to you all who read and are interested ...Natalie