3rd Nov 12:00

Well still waiting to sign form , but have had a great creative chat with an ex teacher, while she was giving me a foot massage. Just to let you know she woke Jerry up out of the comfy chair, chance would be good if yoou could fall a sleep like he does.

Was writing letters last night and he thinks I am writing because I think I am going to die , no such luck he cannot pay the mortgage off yet or run of with the blonde to some hot country.

Sorry causing mischief as usual but it is keeping me entertained. no fit doctors come to see me yet , need to know if I can order food. Light food that's all. Not good when you are a veggie and they offer you meat soup.
So toast it is not that it is going to stay in their long after the medication. Waiting for stoma nurse to mark me up a long waiting day so more blocks should keep you and me entertained please comment so I can reply and have some fun.

Thanks to you all

Day before op 3rd Nov 10:30am

Well a busy few days, pre op assesment on Thursday what a long day that was I am sure they could organise it better but never mind what else do I have to do in my life hey.

Well fun weekend with family and friends and thank you to all the people that have been their for me over the past few months and for the continued support.

Wednesday 3rd November - Day before the operation, got most of my life paper work done some more things will be done to day now it is just the waiting game and preparation for tomorrow.
How am I feeling very scared had operations before I really feel I am stepping in to the unknown, this is the last part ... well sort of recovery will be a long long road with many a winding turn ... sorry for the song.

Up beat to the last and always. I will continue to post as much as I can through out today and then when I am up to it afterwards.

Great night last night with friends I never knew how many people I had touched and how well liked I was its either that or they are just trying to make sure that if I go they get something well news is not going yet and the only thing I have got is debt...lol ( please do not take this the wrong way anyone this is just my sense of humour).

Well I am here at the hospital oh what a boring starving day this is going to be..

Love to you all for now ..

10, 9, 8 days and counting

OK well only 10 days till the operation , well here we go. Pre op assessment today why these things take so long but if the organised them selves they could be quicker.

Monday went to see the consultant.. final decision the bag not the neo... all is well tumour starting to grow again so glad that its not long before it come out.. the bladder that is. How we know growth of tumour... this sounds discussting but just some info to keep you going until I can tell you all about the operation.

Urine dark red blood colour very nice well not really and the calcium deposits are back so that's a clear sign that is growing but seeing as did not have all these symptoms to start with its Ironinc I am having them now.

Care package in place for when I come out so Mum and Dad do not have to take all the strain.

Tuesday not sure what happened on that day obviouly not exciting mainly slept, did a movie afternoon with the youngest well it is halfterm. Wednesday another day of trying to complete things and finish CP stuff I am finding it so hard words are not flowing some devine intervention needed. New Bed settee for the spare bedroom so when required Mum and Dad can stay in comfort at least.

Thursday ... Hospital from 1pm till 5pm oh what an exciting life I lead. I am off out for a meal with the girls tonight and looking forward to it..

Well keep reading and please write back love to you all and for all the positive thoughts. I am also writing letters and notes to people request and hopes and things.

Love and Best wishes from the continual up beat fighter xxx

Well what next

Well I am still alive sorry not updated the blog for a while , been busy and been in hospital so oh what fun.
I am doing really well at the moment.. still trying to build my strength up. Been on a trip away and birthdays.

I have a date for the operation so on a count down to that still not made a decision on whether stoma or neo bladder . I am very nervous and scared about the operation , I do not have a choice if I want a better chance of survival. Well life changing decissions.... I have had a few break downs recently with emotions  as lots going on with what to do.

Edlest daughter is doing well at uni so one less thing to worry about. Sydney is growing up and becoming a star. Well I know its early but starting to think about Christmas and prearing things I can before the op... I am sure as usual my Mum will be a star and pick up the rains.

I had a dance teacher but I think she got a better offer ... I just wish people will be honest with me so that I can orgaise things but never mind hopefully will get it sorted.

I am also having to look at the business ... as know one to run it so will have to close it all down just sad after all the work I have done so if any one wants to buy any business stuff let me know.

I have sorted out the people to help in the house in looking after me and Sydney so thats really good. I will promise to write everyday upto the op and then there will be a break and it will start when I am contious after the op.

Today off to see the consultant and sometime this week will be having pre op assesment... So tyding things up and writing letters before I go in.

Keep reading will be back soon

after last 16 hour chemo

Felling OK today just tired as lack of sleep and the incredible toilet trip keep you on a continuous treadmill. Well yesterdays event cannula went in well yesterday so things went very well. I was planning to finish and close my report file for last year but it did not happen HELP ..... One thing I am not coping very well with is that things I was able to do easily now take me forever.  A little celebration and cake at the hospital for Dani's 19th Birthday . Sydney is being a star at school and a comic as usual. The lady that does the tea/coffee and meals popped in the room while I was in with the Doctor and Jerry and said was it OK if she gave my niece some Jelly well , she said it was because I looked so young not convinced but better than being her grandmother. The Doctor said I wonder how she would look and feel after all the chemo.

It was great to see some friends this week brilliant , really made my day.......went to friends for dinner on Saturday another great evening. You really begin to know who your friends are and who cares and I now I have a lot of those.

Well last chemo today then heads up for op. I am hoping to show my face at the CA day tomorrow if well enough just whether I drive or what to do. Preparations for Dani and uni all completed she goes this Saturday I will miss her and not sure how to manage but in my true fashion I will.

My brain and body feels absolutely fuddled, but as chemo kills cells its to be expected. I am just finding it hard to even read a book.....but I am sure it will all improve and things are moving in the right direction.

Thats all for now thak you for reading and please continue xxx Natalie

OK

OK gang just not been very chipper lately and the slightest thing is taking me for ever. I have some good news well as good as it get at the minute. Well saw the consultant last week and as far as they can see at present they cannot see any tumors any where else so very good news. Also no more tumor growth in the bladder. This means one more round of chemo.... oh what fun.... so op in about 8 weeks.

Well life has not been that brilliant just hard work lost of visits from people trying to sort out the care package for after the op as hopefully will be back to normal by spring if not before if I have my way.

Well cannot stand the fact that I cannot even concentrate on the easiest things. I still have reports to finish and just want to complete them but finding it so hard to do.

Sydney started trampolining lessons this week arrived with her and Jerry on Sunday me not particularly on top form .. but Jerry and I thought we could go and have a little sit down and a coffee for an hour but no such chance .. the young girl said because she was not 8 we had to stay well I was not well enough for that and what are we paying for...... So in the end after a complaint....I went and sat in the car until she had finished, this is no fun as I have no extra energy and feel like crap .

If I am up and about just a little while I need my bed... its just so hard I never thought I would be this ill.

Well folks a little update will promise to do it more regularly this week if I can stay awake long enough. Well off to the hospital in about an hour for another 16 hour on slaught of chemo. One thing I am really hating is the fact I am finding it hard to plan anything as I never know how I am going to feel

Well must dash will try and continue later in the hospital...need pack case and make sure I have everything

Thank you everyone for there continued support. I promise Curious Minds I will complete mt contract this week I hope I am sooooooooooooo fed up want to get rid of this off my head but difficult.

Well god bless everyone for the thoughts and prays love to you all Natalie xxx

Another Bright day

Well been an up and down week, feeling quite well and then someone keeps taking it away. Well Tuesday another chemo day... not too bad apart from this blooming vein problem arm still really sore.
Saw consultant right had meeting and then chemo , fun as usual with the chemo nurses. One of then is really funny really lifts you up. If I did not feel bad enough Jerry said I had a moon face.

Wednesday had a fantastic meeting with the Macmillan nurse really helping me get things moving... Well as I mentioned before I have these ladies that call in to make sure I am OK and eaten while Jerry is away and help with anything I would like.

Well one night and they keep wanting to send this poor young lad to put me to bed (this is the last call of the day ) when I have a bath so was not keen on this young lad doing that so just a bit awkward I am sure he is perfectly wonderful and if it was food and earlier on the day I am sure it would not concern me so much but when its 9 pm not convinced. I know at any other time I am sure it would be fun but not at the minute.

Well Thursday this week went for a scan , hospital visits seem to be the norm but never quick , had to be there for 8:15 am , went with Mum and her friend drove us as Dad was sorting Sydney.
It was  fun as any trip to a hospital was. When you first arrive for the scan they give you a drink aniseed flavour (not enjoyable) mixed with blackcurrant, not fantastic on an already funny tummy.
So took my flask and mum and Kath and we went to the cafe they had latte and cappuccino, I wish I was haing that and not this flipping drink... well only place to sit was on a table with this quite distinguised man in a pinstriped suit, he said it was ok to sit. Well carried on with our conversation and unfortunate for him my occasional wretching not plesent I am sure.... when is friend/college arrived he said that we had entertained him and was better company than his friends.... Also the only way I was getting this down was slowly.. thought I would try a packet of crisps thet cost 50p what a rip off but it did help then back for the scan.....strip off into the gown split to the back , keeping my dignaty. Then in to the room on the table hooked up to the dye that gives you a warm feeling when goes in.

After the excitment of the scan , off to try my wig ..... Sally (the wig ) is brill very natural Thank you NHS for a free bit of dignaty.
Not lost all my hair , but because of the limpness and as Jerry said I lost over half.. A friend of my that saw me last week with hair falling all over the place thought I would be bald this week but not yet.

Sydney back to school normality for her... reports still to finally finish. Rest week apart from a couple of hospital visits so should be better.. also got medication for a throat stomach infection so should stop feeling sick.

Thank again for the great support and comments it makes ,me smile. Just to let you know on the hard stuff now shandy still cannot drink wine. The other thing I am loving at present is fruit.. it sounds like pregnancy cravings.

Had some great conversations this week with friends and family and thanks for them for listening and talking to me.

Love to all that ready keep going and Iwill I will try and upload some hair picture to laugh at plus sally

Love to you all Natalie xxx

good morning

Well today I feel like I have come out of the mire a bit. Feel more like my old self, the sun is shining and things are looking better.
Thank you for putting up with my melancholy of the last few blogs.

Well another chemo session due later today and a visit to the consultant.... I will update what next later.
Brain is feeling more in gear nearly finished reports so can get some money in and get on with what to do next.

Hair is coming out look like the dog with the mange if that the right word but not tooooooooooo bad look on the bright side.

Well will touch base with you all again later please keep in touch I know its hard what to say It just makes me feel as if people are out there and my be reading what I hope I am not depressing you all so much . Love to you all out their.

Hugs xxx

It goes on

Hello everyone I am back, thank you to friends and relatives for their continued support, I finding it all difficult. Well chemo this week , felt like crap since, spent most of the time asleep.
I just want to function partially normally so I can do things , the simplest things are so difficult. I have had a bit of a week where everything seems so be about my illness and I know I am really ill but I wish I was not.
I want my business to be successful and that everything in my girls life is easier and I am sure they will be successful in what ever they choose.

Well back at the hospital this morning, for blood tests as got a swelling in the vein around my wrist. It is so painful, can hardly move my arm. So went met the on call registrar, he came and looked at my arm , then blood pressure which was low,temp was fine. Arrived at the hospital at blood tests, OK arm will stay put just seepage from the chemo oh what fun.

Well family are saying that my blog is getting a bit depressing sorry for this. Well thought I would have a nice glass of wine , one sip and its just disgusting.

Food is not tasty either, but sometimes can eat when it tastes right. Played monopoly with the youngest and Jerry today , he still says I am competitive not as competitive as It was the other week playing with a couple of teenagers.
Tomorrow my plan is to complete all my reports anyone that would like to help please feel free. Then I am going to set timetable of events for the next couple of weeks and visits to schools and curious minds contracts and new CRB form.

The only problem when I have eaten sometimes it just doesnot want to stay there but managing so far.

Love to you all call mespeak to me keep me distracted. Never sure how I feel Jerry says I need a chart like children have with happy and sad faces and numbers. I am sure if I say so so, not sure I will be fine he is going to make one.

Thank you for your continued support and feedback is good love xxx

Continue

Well sorry folks but I have tried to write everyday and I know that would be easier but been busy and hectic.
Well I am going to try and write everyday. I had a fab weekend with family ,fun and activities and a little bit of normality for a couple of days and people telling me to stop and rest instead of asking me if am I alright to which I reply (I am fine).
I started getting on with my reports but time is flying away and things are taking to long.. I feel so crap. my world my life is falling apart. Since Monday this week I just keep crying hysterically which is hard..
Well some good news eldest of to Uni ... To Coventry not all my hopes but she is happy and I know she will do well ..... I want her to have a great life and the ability to cope.
The youngest keeps me smiling.
I just worry about finances and how I am going to cope and manage.
We are trying to get to get services in to help.
Well this week another 16 hour chemo session which as usual does not go as easy as expected. Well get to the hospital lucky this time straight to the ward so as I thought I would be able to settle down into a routine and get on with some work well not so. Nurse came in and went through usual checks then to get the cannula in well first try in one arm , 2nd try other arm oh what fun... she is only has 2 tries and has to get another nurse so another wait.....so her we go a wait and then another nurse.. try one 2nd try of we go but could not get the blood trough the cannula... so in to the vein in the other arm to take blood................next wait for blood results.

Then bloods back looking good of we go ...heat pad for the first chemo and then.....on to the next ones over night.
I have to measure my out put so they make sure my Kidneys work they are so do not worry very well so not much sleep.
I am going to stop this for tonight before I depress you all to much... I am going to get some sleep and more tomorrow hopefully more up beat love to all my followers love you all xxx

the fight goes on

Hi everyone, been a few days since I last wrote, just been busy and very tired...doing to much which is no help.. but life goes on.
The inevitable started today my hair was coming out ( not going to loose it all just thin ) my head hurts so much. My rest week this week no chemo.. this is to allow your body to do some recovery.. next week another 16 hour session..
This week has been a good week and the end of last week, but remember not to over do it , feel great then feel like I am going to collapse and need to go to sleep.
Sydney has gone to London with Mum and Dad, even though Mum was worried about leaving me on my own.
Monday this week relatives came to see me so Tuesday after dropping them for the train to London spent the rest of the day in bed.
Food this week tastes a bit better, wine is flowing a bit more but still only a couple of glasses. I just wish I could have a night where I get into bed and sleep till morning instead of having to get up sooooooooooooooo many times for the bathroom.

Spoke to the urology Macmillan nurse the other day they are going to organise the stoma and the neo blad nurse to see me so I can make a decisions on which one oh what fun.

When I was first diagnosed I used to wake up in the morning thinking that someone was going to tell me it was all a joke... well its not and I have to live with it.

Just to keep you up dated had a complete hysterical break down last Wednesday could not stop crying all over trying to sort things out with the back what crap that is.. so not as all together as you all think.. but in true fashion I am doing fine.
Prognosis - good to fairly good I am not planning on going any where yet so anyone who thought it would be easy to get rid of me you must be joking.
The funny think people keep saying how well I look not sure how I should look but .. no extra heads have grown and its not contagious.
The other thing people that have known me a while still not sure what to say to me. Please join the blog and make it interactive.

Another day

Well back to the business.... Little story from yesterday... of on the emergency mission to pick Danielle up from work because it was a monsoon as she said it was at work and she had gone to work in her flip flops.Driving along to the the lights at kings way Sydney perks up in the back "if you pass way before Pud (the cat) who will have her me or Dani ...I replied not sure to which she continued to say may be she could go to the NHS( she meant some animal society) I laughed ... she said I ask good questions.

Day of first chemo... Jerry and I arrived at the hospital at 10am as I was due to go on the ward as it was an overnight session well guess what no beds so over to the day unit. to a small private room with a big blue arm chair.. and the chemo nurse arrived and said hello I am Daisy we went through the procedures blood test and then the oncologist came to seem me to sign the consent form...by this time it was 11:30 , bloods ok ....now  Daisy came back and said some good news and some bad..... someone had put my chemo in the fridge so it would have to be remade so she was going to rush it through but would not start before 3:30pm a long restless wait was under way started with the first bag at 4pm..

The first bag after the saline is 30 min - they gave anti sickness and steroids ... the first chemo Gemcitabine ( this is an antimetabolite ) this hurts as it goes through the veins. So hot press on arm helped
that one finished and the saline to wash through now gone 4:30pm next drug Cisplatin is an anti-cancer ("antineoplastic" or "cytotoxic") chemotherapy drug. Cisplatin is classified as an "alkylating agent."

This is a long hall the a walk around the corner to the ward......this was going to be a disturbing night as it was 4 bags 4hrs each ... more of this adventure to come

Thanks for all the support and keep reading and writing back  ....love Natalie

Well have things to do and reports to write for curios mind sorry will get them done now I am getting things off my head.

Well off for some sleep been a tiring day love to my followers and fans xxx

next episode

Well Thank you to all the people out there that are supporting me. Please ask away anything you want to know or do not understand.
Well bit of a bad nights sleep restless never seen so much crap tell sorry for my language. Some thing I have been enjoying in the early hours of the mornings is the Adult season on BBC 3 ITS BEEN BRILLIANT.
Any way sorry to be self composing but back to me. Deep sleep 8 am neighbours alarm hipitched , this is not helping as the chemo seems to make me hiper sensitive to certain noises. any way as I was say alarm all morning so no rest asuual for the wicked.

Well I thought I would add to this blog the humour that surrounds me in all this and me being me (alright all the time to everyone)

First day back from the hospital parents and children at home to have dinner, no dinner for me the veggie but everyone else was being fed, sorted my self so no need to worry I did eat.
The 7 year old sat at the table after her Dad had done his  car  roof explination of the situation(He sits her on the car roof and tells her in as simple for for her to understand) So sat at the table eating she pipes up "Daddy are you going to marry Mummy now"  to that her Dad (Jerry ) says " no she is not sick enough yet  " you all my think it is cruel but we found it funny... the conversation went on I would like to be a brides made and where a purple dress...... welll I said you can be a bridesmaid for your big sister when she gets married the reply to that was but I wont be cute then..

Sorry I am going to interupt this as I do a dash of mercy to pick the eldest up from work because of the rain... I keep thinking I thought I was sick or may be no hey will carry on with the ups and downs of a demented Cancer Mum

The Story So far

Well this is about my fight with bladder cancer.For weeks even though I have known what I am going to deal with I have said " I am going to be alright" not sure who I was trying to convince. I thought I would start to write a blog to help. I have been writing it in my head for weeks.Not known where to start.
I wish my first clash with blogging was a better occasion. More like the Julia Julia adventure would have been better, but its not.
Well here we go.
I have been diagnosed with stage 3 aggressive bladder cancer, a tumour the size of a tennis ball in a bladder the size of a rugby ball has been found.
I knew it was cancer from the first time that I went for the first scan it was more about what was said and what wasn't.(The nurse said something about not buying a fur coat) funny saying and things you remember.
If I can also as I go through this educate people about bladder cancer and that even if you have a UTI do not leave it get it sorted.
Well the drip feeding began.
Went for Cystoscopy, told it looked like snow storm unable to see much apart from the large Tumour, this was a Friday - Tuesday the week after I was taken in for the TURBT (removal of the tumour) . At this point they wanted to check the extent of it.
Then back for another appointment with the consultant who went through everything the cancer level, and the fact that a full bladder removal was necessary and referal to another specialist.
The specialist went through all the details- options and said they would continue to drip feed the information as time goes on. Also that not just a pelvic sweep was necessay but also that chemo was required first.
This is just a synopsis of the facts nothing else, just to try and help you with trying to understand the whirlwind my life has been.

Amist all this a friend of mine if she allows me to use her name you will meet the character later on with many others that are touching my life .
They were going away and had if I wanted to go for a couple of days I could. What a fantastic idea , Thank you so much to her, to the adventure and to the fun time.
We talked we walked, we also went ridding ( The funniest thing I had never really been on a horse) my horse had a mind of its own, and when my friends went to eat so did mine, these horses had only one pace, but oh what fun.
OK well back home treading water while I waited for the oncologist.
Saw him and then on to the chemo........ AND pre tests........ Day 1 Chemo 16 hours -oh what fun.....not really more anitodtes to come of this adventure.

Well I think this is enough for now I hope I have not depressed anybody too much. I am fighting and positive
So please read and comment and help this is new to me and writing never my best thing but ... I am sure I will improve

Thanks to you all who read and are interested ...Natalie